So I took a break of studying to take a shower this evening. And I want to know why that is always the place you start thinking? My thought process was a bit of a merry-go-round ride. First thought was, “Why, do I always get the user guys?” 2nd thought “Why do I get the over the top pervs, or the guys who have like no backbone?” All this is true. I always seem to attract the instant pervert, the guy who would let me walk all over him if I wanted to or the guy who walks over me, but does it with enough class I don’t see it until it’s too late. I admit I want a relationship, a real one where the guy cares enough about me to stick it through and gets to know me. The guy who once knows me crazy and all wants to be with me.
I also admit the reason I get the user is due to I get exhausted of waiting around for that guy and start looking for a short term fix. I’m happy with who I am. I’m okay being slightly off. But that’s not enough. Loving thyself isn’t always enough. And hearing people tell me wait and that guy will fall into your lap is complete bullshit. Any and every guy I’ve been with has been work; most of it done by me. I then get sick of previous guys falling into my lap and retreat into my everlasting, but very understood singlehood.
Rinse and repeat.
I then get tired of being alone and the cycle continues. Why is it that no guy looks at me and goes I would like to know that girl? Why is that he goes I want to fuck that girl? Don’t get me wrong I like sex. Many people probably think I get it more than I do. I wish it were that easy. I wish I could be a slut and just fall into bed with any guy I’m physically attracted to. Alas I’m not and I don’t. This has nothing to do with religion and very little to do with morals.
It leaves me with that voice in the back of my head going, “You’re not good enough. You need to change to become what they want you to be. No one loves you.” This is the voice of Self-Loathing Rae. And I do try to muzzle her as often as possible. But when she points out my track record I have to wonder does she have a point?
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